I'm so tired.

Well, it turns out the attacker/stalker is not officially banned after all because no official report has been filed against him.  We were told by the county that we could not ban him or suspend his privileges in any way or we will open ourselves up to a civil suit.  So he can come by any time he wants to.  And there is nothing I can do about it. 

One of my closest friends at work has been helping me handle these situations as they arise.  She was the one who sheltered A. back in the offices on Monday afternoon and walked her halfway home.  She said that A. didn't exhibit any fear when she was told that her attacker was in the library and asked (verbatim) "Do you think I should call my mom?"  We both found that a little odd.  I don't know what to make of it.  I also don't know what to make of the fact that her mom let her come back to the library alone, only a week after it all happened.  Or why no charges have been filed. 

It occurs to me that I do not have a good interpretive lens for any of this.  I'm seeing the whole situation through my own past experience and I cannot be impartial or objective.  It makes my head hurt to think of any of this.  I don't feel brave or compassionate or smart or any of the other nice things that you have said about me.  I feel like a raw bundle of nerve endings with a perpetual migraine.  I feel frayed at the edges, worn out in a way that sleeping can't fix.

Speaking of sleeping, I've managed to stop having nightmares.  I've gone back to sleeping very, very lightly, awake at the slightest sound despite earplugs but I am at least getting a few hours of deep unconsciousness a night.  It's obvious that I'm not sleeping well; I've got hollow bruises around my eyes and my work friends keep wrinkling their brows and asking me "Are you okay?  You don't look so good."  I'm blaming it on the BCP switch, which is also a legitimate culprit--I am not feeling so fresh these days on that count either.

Speaking of migraines, I guess even Top.amax Miracle Drug Rx can't stand up to what stress does to my head and neck.  Tuesday I couldn't see out of my right eye for most of the day.

I was commended by the county bigwigs for my handling of the situation.  So now they know who I am and they like me.

And I scored well on my oral boards: I ranked 7th place out of 29 applicants.  Seventh is very good for a first-timer.  If they open a Specialist position at my library, I should get the job with no sweat.   

I'm meeting with my own (read: NOT county) counselor next Thursday.  I'm still not thrilled with the idea of talking about everything (I talk to you guys, isn't that enough?) but it seemed like a good idea considering the sleep issues.  And this is a guy I trust, who knows me and is familiar with my life story.  I won't be telling him my background from scratch. 

It's going to get better.  I keep telling myself that.

Comments

[andrea_jennine]

I just want you to know that I'm carrying this burden with you, reaching through all the internet electrons to try to lift a little of the weight off your shoulders.

[beagle]

I would never have thought of this as a librarian's job risk. How sad this world has come to young girls being stalked at such a benign place!

I hope this resolves soon.

[Lassie]

Way back when, my therapist told me when things got tough, "Fake it 'til you make it." Basically, keep going on with life, doing the best you can and soon it will get less hard to keep on keeping on... I know it sounds trite and random. It did help me though, especially on days when I was truly overwhelmed and exhausted. It gave me license to fake it and keep on functioning. I'd do the tough work during therapy sessions and keep myself above water in between.

Glad you posted. I've been thinking/wondering/worrying about you and praying for you.

[starfish]

Yes, it will get better. Because you are made of extraordinary stuff.

[starfish]

Yes, it will get better. Because you are made of extraordinary stuff.

[Mel Piglet]

Give it to Him Pooh, let Him sort that slimeball out. Read my desert post today, I thought about you when I wrote it.
PS, can't you take some rescue remedy to help you sleep?

[T]

Congrats on the oral boards - a little ray of sunshine anyway? I'm sorry about the migraine and I understand the raw and frayed feeling - guess I'm sorriest for that. Oh and the sleep - ay, the sleep! Hope you get some good sleep soon, that'll help too. Can you take ativan? Saturday afternoon naps?

[louise]

Hmmm...I cannot believe that slimeball can't be banned from the library. hmm...the unChristian side of me thinks...maybe he can have a timely meeting with SArge in the parking lot!! or, this young lady's dad may want to have words with him. What a complete jerk.

on the other hand, congrats to you re; your boards! You rock, my friend!!!

praying for you.