Things I am not.

Predictably, last night I had nightmares.  That'll show me for blithely writing about not having any for years.  I know that last night's incident stirred up my mind, brought everything to the fore.  I woke up wheezing at 3 AM, scream-whispering a painful "NO!" at the top of my lungs.

Today I met with a county big-wig who wanted to hear the incident from my mouth.  She was kind to me and I was honest with her, though reserved in my demeanor.  I can't help it, reserved is my default mode for confrontations like this.  I get quiet, my voice gets soft and I sit very still.  It's not like me; usually I'm laughing and boisterous.  But this is too much, too serious.  It feels better to hold my emotion back, to be contained.  She thanked me for my "leadership and strength."  She told me a I did a great job and that she felt personally responsible for the lack of security in the building.  She told me she was meeting with the owners of the building to try and implement more security measures.  I told her that I trusted her to do what was right for us.  That was calculated on my part; I could see that she felt bad and pressing the issue wouldn't help my staff at all.  Guilt was the way to go.  A staffer representing hurting victims, placing her trust in the only person who can save us--that will get results.  I can't bring myself to feel bad about it.  Something needs to change where I work. 

My past came out in the interview.  I don't know what's wrong with me; for years I didn't tell anyone.  My family has no idea.  (Beth, please don't tell Mom and Dad.  I know Dad doesn't read here anymore.  Don't tell Josh unless he can handle the information without losing it.)  I don't love the fact that so many people now know this about me.  I toyed with the idea of taking the previous post down but all of you were so kind that I couldn't bear to bury your comments as though they didn't mean anything.  I don't want anyone else to know, though.  I want to stop talking about it.

What bothers me the most is this: I tried for so long to forget that I actually did a good job.  I can't remember a lot, just the fact that I shouldn't try too hard.  So I don't.  All of that was buried.  I was happy.  It was gone.  I didn't think about it.  Now it's all stirred up again and my head isn't safe anymore.  I want to forget again, to leave it alone. 

But my job has mandated that I see their counselor because of the incident.  It's not just me, everyone who was involved has to go because of the nature of the incident.  But me especially because of my past.

I. do. NOT. want. to. go.

I don't want to go back there, try to tell the whole story again.  I don't want to remember.  That year isn't even clear in my mind anymore.  And I am not that person anymore!  I know who I am and who I am does not include "victim."  I am not helpless or naive or a poor decision-maker anymore.  I WAS all of that, nearly nine years ago.  I made some really, really bad decisions and I paid for them.  But now?  I've survived multiple surgeries, my husband's brain injury, two miscarriages, my grandmother's death and my brother's two tours of Iraq.  I know exactly who I am.  I am flawed, extremely so, but strong.  I'm living my life, owning every second of my pain and acknowledging every equally deep moment of joy.  I'm surrounded by family and friends who love and support me.  This swirling vortex of darkness is my PAST, not my present.  I left it behind.  I want it to stay there.

Walking back into my library today was hard.  I shook and I teared up.  It didn't expect that.  I felt calm right up until I walked into the staff room, whereupon I lost it.  But later, I walked through every aisle, running my fingers along the spines of the books in each stack.  This is my library, I told myself.  My home.  I work here with my friends.  Together we'll make it safe.  I'm not 21 anymore and I'm not a victim, either.  I know who I am.  I'm the librarian.

And then I helped a patron find a book. 

Comments

[jesspond]

I'm sorry you have to go to counseling and drag it all back up. Ew. That sucks.

I hope it's quick and relatively painless.

[Beth]

Oh Flicka, I won't tell, I promise. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this again, mentally. I am praying for you.

Just think back to that last dream you posted. God will carry you through this, just as He carried you through those woods.

I love you!

[andrea_jennine]

You are standing tall in grace, dear.

[tess]

you're right, you're not that person anymore.

how we react to experiences is of immense importance. your desire to help, protect, prevent, at personal turmoil to yourself, is amazing.

it could have been my cousin, my friend, my next door neighbour you consoled and protected the other day, and spoke up on their behalf today. thank you.

[Accidental Poet]

About that going back to the dark places - I'm a bit like you. I Get Over Things. In a workshop I was teaching this last weekend, I said something about it being really important to do writing exercises that shut your left brain off because (and oh how God laughed when I said this, knowing what my next few days would hold) "There are secrets you God needs you to know about yourself so you can heal."

Praying for you,

Susan

[M]

Oh love, I am so so sorry that you have had to go back there -

'..What bothers me the most is this: I tried for so long to forget that I actually did a good job. I can't remember a lot, just the fact that I shouldn't try too hard. So I don't. All of that was buried. I was happy. It was gone. I didn't think about it. Now it's all stirred up again and my head isn't safe anymore. I want to forget again, to leave it alone...'

You could have written this from inside my head.

Much love

x

[Starfish]

Holy Shit Flicka....I am SO sorry you had to go through all that, dragging up old hurtful memories is not fun.

I hope that therapy helps you to put it further behind you. That looking that counselor in the eye and telling them all the things you've posted here will empower you to take control of those memories. Hugs...

[Waiting Amy]

Oh Flicka, you have been through so much. I'm so stuck by how strong you have been through it all. Hang in there, you an get through dealing with the counselor too.

[Mel Piglet]

Darling Pooh
Just catching up again on the last 2 posts. You really are the bravest chick I know, you are super-pooh! In fact I think you need a cape to wear to work. I am sorry you had your old sad and scary feelings come out of your carefully concealed box. I am glad you and Him could use some of them for good, only He can do that. I am also glad you know who you are now, more than a conqueror!
Love u. xxx