More depression, brought to you courtesy of the public and my sordid past.

I don't generally think about safety where I work.  It's a tiny library, in what is still in many ways a farming community.  Which is why tonight, when a teenager asked to use the phone to call her mom and she seemed upset, I didn't think much more than "Boy, she looks tired.  I wonder if she's okay?"  We had a flood of patrons and she was sitting in my plain sight with her mom on the way, so I didn't ask her anything.

But it turns out that she was being harassed by a gang of boys while sitting at her computer terminal.  Too scared to think straight, she tried to leave but they followed her outside to the parking lot.  She came back in, called her mom and parked herself in front of the circulation desk until her little brother arrived.  She sent the brother back outside to get her mom and only then would she get up from her chair.

I'm ashamed that I didn't have the presence of mind to ask a question before then but I asked it when I saw her start to cry.  "Are you guys okay?  Can I do something for you?"  And then she told me.  She hadn't told anyone before, she didn't know why it hadn't occured to her.  I looked her in the eyes and said softy "If this ever happens again, come and tell any librarian that you see that you are being harassed.  It's not okay for you to be treated this way; you should be safe when you come here, okay?  I am really sorry this happened to you."  I gave her some tissues and took the matter up higher. 

And couldn't forget the frightened and helpless way the tears poured down her face, or how her braids trembled around her dark eyes as she hugged herself and nodded. 

Which is why, an hour later, I jumped up off my chair when a second girl approached me, shifting uncomfortably and said "I need to talk to you in private."  I took her into the staff room and listened as she described being coerced into the elevator in our building, going to the unoccupied fourth floor and being asked over and over to perform acts she'd rather not.  It's unclear to me what the end result was--I *think* she got away unscathed.  But she was threatened, intimidated, told to go home.  And her attacker, the same one who terrorized the other girl, stayed in the library until he saw me open the door of the staff room and look at him as he browsed the stacks.

We called the police together.  I held her hand, told her it wasn't her fault.  Later, she asked what would happen at the hospital.  I explained that they would check her over, make sure she was okay, probably run some tests.  I said that they would have her talk to someone who could help her to stop feeling so scared and ashamed.  That person would probably be able to talk to her beyond just tonight.  I looked her in the eyes and said softly "This isn't your fault.  This isn't your fault."  I kept repeating it.

I didn't tell her that once, a long time ago, it wasn't my fault either.

*************************

I called Sarge after we called the police.  I used the secret codeword we have set up for trouble so that I wouldn't have to say anything more in front of the line of patrons I had.  He came over and patrolled the halls, rode the elevator and checked the unused floors.  For an hour and a half, he made a continuous loop around the building, checking the stacks, the hall, the elevator, all of us.  He looks like any regular guy off the street but we all felt safer with him there.  It's tempting to think of my husband as a slightly chubby computer geek but times like this, I see all his military training come out.  I know he will quickly and efficiently take down anyone who tries to hurt me.

My boss said I handled things well, especially the second victim who was alone for most of the evening until we could reach her mom.  I was reassuring and calm.  When I got home, I collapsed into the mess I'd been inside from the very second the first victim stood before me.

"We could move far away, to Utah." said Sarge, putting his arms around me.  "With all those crazy polygamists?!" I asked.  "Okay, North Dakota." he replied, stroking my hair.  "How about North Dakota?  No polygamists there."

The problem, I explained, is that my past will go with us no matter where I go.  The nightmares are much better now; I haven't had one in years.  I feel safe.  Felt safe.  I remember when they came almost every night, though.  One in particular, I've never managed to forget: I am waylaid into a forest clearing, tied onto a stone table and someone uses his fist to break my jaw so that I cannot scream.  And then I am gang raped.  In another, I am trapped in a house, wearing my black boots.  I can see my car from the window, I make a break for it.  I run, run, run, never looking back.  I have to get in the car, get out before he knows I'm gone and just go anywhere that is AWAY.  The last was a variation: my best friend from high school is tied to chair in the house, wearing the cotton nightie she always wore.  Pilgrim pajamas, we used to tease.  I am trying to get her free; she is in depsair.  She won't run, won't work to free herself.  She's given up.  Our abuser comes home and I stand over her with the broken chair, ready to fight.

It's been a long time, as I said.  And it was never anything clear-cut enough to call rape.  Manipulation, yes.  Emotional abuse, most certainly.  And the bounds of my body were always insubstantial, not determined by me.  If a mood struck him, he would coerce, beg, get angry, whatever worked until I did what he wanted.  I honestly don't know if that's rape or not.  I could have left at any time.  Did, eventually.  Felt afraid doing it.  But he never came after me and there were never any repercussions.  So was it all in my head, how bad I remember it?  The flashbacks I had for years?  The therpaist I saw for a while said no.  I just try not to think about it anymore.  I don't have any answers.

This is the first time I've talked about any of this outside of therapy since college.  One night after the breakup, I told my college roomate.  She had a similar story.  We never brought it up again; too much pain, too many unanswered questions.  I'm happy now, married to a man who is always gentle and loving and kind; never manipulative or cold or coercive.  I know that he will protect me, will put my interests above his own, does on a daily basis.  It took me a long time but I finally feel secure that my ex is not looking for me and probably never was.  The nightmares have stopped. 

But I still don't talk about it.  I don't know why I am now, except that everything from tonight had to go somewhere and I don't seem to be able to keep this part of the story behind, no matter how I try. 

 

Comments

[daysgoby]

YOU
are smart and brave and compassionate and wonderful

and I would hug you
and smooth your hair

if the damned internet wasn't in the way.

Both those girls will always remember the help you so freely gave.

[Rachel Inbar]

Having been a victim of abuse, I know how hard it is to explain why you didn't end it sooner. The threats are often open-ended, so you're not even sure what you're scared of. It was only when I went to the police and they had a code for 'terrorizing' that I realized that there don't have to be specific threats or even any threats at all...

For me, it's been about 6 years now since I got out. I still have to be in contact with him, since we have 3 kids, but I'm different now & as time goes by, it gets easier.

Those girls were lucky to have you there. I'm sure that without saying anything they felt that you understood and that means an awful lot.

[Clover]

Those poor girls- I'm glad they had you (and Sarge) there to act on their behalf.
And I'm sorry for what you went through so many years ago. How awful.

[andrea_jennine]

Oh. Oh.

What a lot of suffering you have faced in your life. But what beauty you have made out of the ashes.

[kitty]

Flicka, you are a hero to those girls. They needed someone who could think clearly and look out for them, and you were able to provide knowing what they were going through.

We live in such a broken, hurting world. I am glad that there are people out there like you who can be the sun when the clouds are thick. :)

[Heather]

You are amazing! And Kudos to Sarge!

I wish we all had someone like you when we had been in that place...

[louise]

Oh sweetie.
Wishing I could give you a hug as well.

[beagle]

How awful.

While I'm glad you were there for those girls, I hate that you had to relive so much pain.

[jesspond]

I'm so sorry about the scares!! That's terrible. Those poor girls. And poor you, too. All those terrible memories.

You did such a brave thing, really. Those girls are lucky you were there.

Sarge seems like such a lovely man, Flicka. I almost forgive him for looking JUST LIKE the jerk of a bball coach my husband had in high school. :)

Anyhow, though...BFE Ohio is pretty safe. You can come live with us and the amish. Looooots of amish. No amish gangs, though, that I'm aware of at least. And I'll bet you can outrun a buggy. What do you say?

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

Terrifying.

We're here for you.

[Liv]

You were very brave and strong to do what you did to help the girls. Things like that happen far more often than we might think. People get so wrapped up in protecting younger children that sometimes the older ones get pushed aside. In my experience it has been my peers who were the predators even as young as 2nd grade. There needs to be more awareness of that fact.

I'm sure that those girls will Thank You for the rest of their lives. I'm also sure that you prevented them from a lifetime of the anguish that you and millions of other women suffer with.

[joanna]

Wow honey! This is me hugging you! You are such a brave and courageous woman. You were a pillar for those girls and I am CERTAIN they could see the love and strength you possess simply by looking into your eyes. I know I can. You have overcome and continue to overcome such obstacles in your life with such power. I know the Lord is smiling on you as you were his love and compassion for those girls as He is and was for you.

[Meri]

Thank you, on behalf of everyone who's ever been in that situation.

This is how I fight back, by talking about it. It's very brave and scary to do the same.

[MsPrufrock]

This is so sad to me, probably because I'm the fiercely protective mother of a daughter. To think of another girl/woman in that position, it just sickens me.

I'm glad you were there for those girls. I'm sad that your own experiences meant that you were able to deal with them so well, but how great that you were a source of comfort for them. You should be proud of yourself.

[T]

Oh honey - I'm so sorry. While I'm glad that you were able to be there for the girls, I'm sorry for the sadness and pain it's brought back to the surface.